Gamers
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
2010/09/22
2010/04/23
2010/04/07
2008/09/28
Rules of Halloween
With HALLOWEEN upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to keep yourself alive!!! Please use these helpful hints this and every year.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER go back and check to see if it's really dead. You’re just asking to be killed...
2. Do not search the basement for some mysterious sound, especially if the power has gone out and/or you are home all by yourself...
3. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. Trust us; it will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared by having extra bullets close by.
*This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
4. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER say, "Oh, I'll just go by myself. I'll be fine." (Dumb ass...)
5. Just as a general little rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and can't find anything, don't try to just stay there and act like nothing. GET THE HELL OUT UNLESS YOU WANNA DIE!!!
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get the hell out.
8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. (This may include jewelry, bodily limbs, etc.)
9. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around unless you’re a friggin idiot.
10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more than that if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
11. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, KILL
them immediately.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (boy, you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
15. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
16. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER go back and check to see if it's really dead. You’re just asking to be killed...
2. Do not search the basement for some mysterious sound, especially if the power has gone out and/or you are home all by yourself...
3. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. Trust us; it will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared by having extra bullets close by.
*This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
4. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER say, "Oh, I'll just go by myself. I'll be fine." (Dumb ass...)
5. Just as a general little rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
6. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and can't find anything, don't try to just stay there and act like nothing. GET THE HELL OUT UNLESS YOU WANNA DIE!!!
7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get the hell out.
8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. (This may include jewelry, bodily limbs, etc.)
9. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around unless you’re a friggin idiot.
10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more than that if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
11. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, KILL
them immediately.
12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (boy, you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
14. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
15. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
16. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
2008/05/15
You Might Be Pagan If...
1) When you are sworn into court, you bring your own grimoire.
2) You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back and you understand what they are saying.
3) When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"
4) You know what widdershins means and you apply it. Same for deosil
5) You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.
6) You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore.
7) You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.
8) You know there are exceptions to the law of physics. You've caused them.
9) The first things your guests say is "My, That's a nice...altar...you have there."
10) On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by.
11) You know that Christmas trees were originally Pagan symbols. That's why you bought one.
12) You have friends who say they are elves and you believe them.
13) You commit blasphemy in the plural.
14) Upon dying, your first thought is, "Damn it, not AGAIN."
15) When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in a anthropomorphic way.
16) Gaia is NOT only the lady on Captain Planet.
17) You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text.
18) In Religion 101, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.
19) You know there is a positive and negative aspect when drawing a pentacle. You CAN explain the difference.
20) You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.
21) You talk to trees and they talk back.
22) You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them.
23) Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like great fun.
24) You've seen The Craft. You know they were making stuff up in The Craft. You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did in The Craft.
25) You understand the symbolism behind a maypole.
26) You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be."
27) Your children go around telling people that "The Goddess loves you."
28) You think that "Scott Cunningham" is a household name...
29) You feel that there is no such thing as having too many cats...
30) The emergency calls you get at work are your teenagers wanting to know the whereabouts of the extra candles, incense or other misc. ritual items.
31) Someone asks you what you are doing wandering around in the woods wearing a robe, and you answer cheerfully: "Going to church!"
32) Friends give you candles and incense as a gift.
33) There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.
34) You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the local grocery store.
35) You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".
36) When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not that broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"
37) You're reading this page. You understand what it's talking about. You have more to add.
38) You lost a familiar and his ashes are above your alter.
39) People show up at your door and ask "How am I?"
40) The narcotics inspector comes by regularly and leaves with lots of green leaves in jars, only to return them after testing with sincere apologies
41) When people ask you where the best walking trails are, they all go past strange earth mounts, stone circles, and oak groves.
42) You're drawing in the moon.
43) You talk to the plants long enough for them to turn in your direction.
44) You sleep with rocks, crystals and other earth substances.
45) You feel the energy of the earth
46) When your 6 yr old gets upset because you always call the an-sisters and not the an-brothers (actually calling the ancestors).
47) When you are called into school because your 6yr old took your athame in for show and tell.
48) When you get very upset because the teacher tells your child that dragons don’t exist. ("never have never will")
49) When you never have to worry about a power outage and not having candles.( just what colors not to use)
50) When a friend comes over to cook and you have to tell them NOT to use anything from your spice cabinet.
51) You know every bible thumper will have to say to you when they see your pentacle. You carry a list of counterpoints.
52) When a missionary comes to your door asking if they can tell you about God and his plan for you, you respond with, "What about the Goddesses plan?"
53) When asked who your talking to you reply "The spirits of the gods." and then give them a funny look for not already knowing.
54) You know that a Warlock is what the ancients used to call an oath breaker, not the label for a male Witch.
55) You [constantly] hound your christian friends about their pagan based rituals.
56) You point out the inaccuracies of [supposedly] pagan based movies.
57) When evangelists come to your door to proselytize you're more then happy to let them in because you know they're going to freak when they see your house.
58) You can figure out when Easter will be next year without looking at a calendar
(Oh, come on...has there ever been better proof of Christian holidays having Pagan roots?)
59) Your "christian" friends ask you how their house feels the first time you visit and then from time to time ask again...
2) You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back and you understand what they are saying.
3) When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"
4) You know what widdershins means and you apply it. Same for deosil
5) You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.
6) You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore.
7) You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.
8) You know there are exceptions to the law of physics. You've caused them.
9) The first things your guests say is "My, That's a nice...altar...you have there."
10) On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by.
11) You know that Christmas trees were originally Pagan symbols. That's why you bought one.
12) You have friends who say they are elves and you believe them.
13) You commit blasphemy in the plural.
14) Upon dying, your first thought is, "Damn it, not AGAIN."
15) When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in a anthropomorphic way.
16) Gaia is NOT only the lady on Captain Planet.
17) You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text.
18) In Religion 101, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.
19) You know there is a positive and negative aspect when drawing a pentacle. You CAN explain the difference.
20) You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.
21) You talk to trees and they talk back.
22) You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them.
23) Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like great fun.
24) You've seen The Craft. You know they were making stuff up in The Craft. You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did in The Craft.
25) You understand the symbolism behind a maypole.
26) You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be."
27) Your children go around telling people that "The Goddess loves you."
28) You think that "Scott Cunningham" is a household name...
29) You feel that there is no such thing as having too many cats...
30) The emergency calls you get at work are your teenagers wanting to know the whereabouts of the extra candles, incense or other misc. ritual items.
31) Someone asks you what you are doing wandering around in the woods wearing a robe, and you answer cheerfully: "Going to church!"
32) Friends give you candles and incense as a gift.
33) There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.
34) You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the local grocery store.
35) You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".
36) When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not that broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"
37) You're reading this page. You understand what it's talking about. You have more to add.
38) You lost a familiar and his ashes are above your alter.
39) People show up at your door and ask "How am I?"
40) The narcotics inspector comes by regularly and leaves with lots of green leaves in jars, only to return them after testing with sincere apologies
41) When people ask you where the best walking trails are, they all go past strange earth mounts, stone circles, and oak groves.
42) You're drawing in the moon.
43) You talk to the plants long enough for them to turn in your direction.
44) You sleep with rocks, crystals and other earth substances.
45) You feel the energy of the earth
46) When your 6 yr old gets upset because you always call the an-sisters and not the an-brothers (actually calling the ancestors).
47) When you are called into school because your 6yr old took your athame in for show and tell.
48) When you get very upset because the teacher tells your child that dragons don’t exist. ("never have never will")
49) When you never have to worry about a power outage and not having candles.( just what colors not to use)
50) When a friend comes over to cook and you have to tell them NOT to use anything from your spice cabinet.
51) You know every bible thumper will have to say to you when they see your pentacle. You carry a list of counterpoints.
52) When a missionary comes to your door asking if they can tell you about God and his plan for you, you respond with, "What about the Goddesses plan?"
53) When asked who your talking to you reply "The spirits of the gods." and then give them a funny look for not already knowing.
54) You know that a Warlock is what the ancients used to call an oath breaker, not the label for a male Witch.
55) You [constantly] hound your christian friends about their pagan based rituals.
56) You point out the inaccuracies of [supposedly] pagan based movies.
57) When evangelists come to your door to proselytize you're more then happy to let them in because you know they're going to freak when they see your house.
58) You can figure out when Easter will be next year without looking at a calendar
(Oh, come on...has there ever been better proof of Christian holidays having Pagan roots?)
59) Your "christian" friends ask you how their house feels the first time you visit and then from time to time ask again...
2008/05/07
20 Ways to be Uninvited to Circle
1. Take the ritual sword from the altar and make sounds like Darth Vader..."Luke, I am your father!"...and start making light saber noises.
2. Start skat-singing when chanting.
3. Take the ritual athame from the altar and start cleaning your nails with it.
4. When taking a sip of the ritual wine, act like a wine snob and comment on it.
5. When doing the spiral dance, make a conga line.
6. Call down the Goddess with "Get your ass down here, Big Momma!”
7. Call down the God with "Our father, who art in heaven..."
8. When chanting the names of the Goddess, randomly include Pokemon names.
9. When being smudged, complain about second-hand smoke.
10. In a drumming circle, laugh insanely and start drumming the beat to "Wipe Out".
11. When in a sky clad circle, randomly point and laugh.
12. When the ritual wine goblet is passed to you, chug it and ask for more.
13. Invoke Satan.
14. Take out a bible and start evangelizing.
15. Light up a cigar.
16. Bring a cute furry creature and offer it as a blood sacrifice.
17. Talk a lot about casting spells for revenge against people who have offended you.
18. At a hand fasting say "Thank God! Maybe now I’ll get some grandchildren!"
19. When in circle, answer your cell phone.
20. Respond to "So Mote it Be!" with "Amen!"
2. Start skat-singing when chanting.
3. Take the ritual athame from the altar and start cleaning your nails with it.
4. When taking a sip of the ritual wine, act like a wine snob and comment on it.
5. When doing the spiral dance, make a conga line.
6. Call down the Goddess with "Get your ass down here, Big Momma!”
7. Call down the God with "Our father, who art in heaven..."
8. When chanting the names of the Goddess, randomly include Pokemon names.
9. When being smudged, complain about second-hand smoke.
10. In a drumming circle, laugh insanely and start drumming the beat to "Wipe Out".
11. When in a sky clad circle, randomly point and laugh.
12. When the ritual wine goblet is passed to you, chug it and ask for more.
13. Invoke Satan.
14. Take out a bible and start evangelizing.
15. Light up a cigar.
16. Bring a cute furry creature and offer it as a blood sacrifice.
17. Talk a lot about casting spells for revenge against people who have offended you.
18. At a hand fasting say "Thank God! Maybe now I’ll get some grandchildren!"
19. When in circle, answer your cell phone.
20. Respond to "So Mote it Be!" with "Amen!"
2008/04/23
If Bill Gates Wrote a Book on Wicca
~ The book would be called Windows to the Goddess.
~ Iconology would be a major chapter.
~ A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months, without which your magik would no longer work.
~ Your broom would crash at least once a week.
~ Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
~ A Book of Shadows would be called a Folder of Magik.
~ A free high-speed connection spell would come with every book.
~ Every now & then your circle would collapse & you would have to perform the re-boot ritual to get it working again.
~ If you used the more powerful NT Magik, all circles within a 5 mile radius would go down.
~ At least once a month you would have to re-install your spells into your Folder of Magik.
~ You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle (& cakes & wine would only be served after a sign from the Goddess that it was safe to do so).
~ Iconology would be a major chapter.
~ A revised edition would be released approximately every 6 months, without which your magik would no longer work.
~ Your broom would crash at least once a week.
~ Cauldrons would be called recycle bins.
~ A Book of Shadows would be called a Folder of Magik.
~ A free high-speed connection spell would come with every book.
~ Every now & then your circle would collapse & you would have to perform the re-boot ritual to get it working again.
~ If you used the more powerful NT Magik, all circles within a 5 mile radius would go down.
~ At least once a month you would have to re-install your spells into your Folder of Magik.
~ You would have to use a start ritual to exit your circle (& cakes & wine would only be served after a sign from the Goddess that it was safe to do so).
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