Rules of Halloween

With HALLOWEEN upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to keep yourself alive!!! Please use these helpful hints this and every year.

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER go back and check to see if it's really dead. You’re just asking to be killed...

2. Do not search the basement for some mysterious sound, especially if the power has gone out and/or you are home all by yourself...

3. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. Trust us; it will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared by having extra bullets close by.
*This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.

4. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER say, "Oh, I'll just go by myself. I'll be fine." (Dumb ass...)

5. Just as a general little rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

6. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and can't find anything, don't try to just stay there and act like nothing. GET THE HELL OUT UNLESS YOU WANNA DIE!!!

7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits; just get the hell out.

8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead. (This may include jewelry, bodily limbs, etc.)

9. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around unless you’re a friggin idiot.

10. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more than that if you are female. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

11. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, KILL
them immediately.

12. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (boy, you're in trouble if you recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chainsaws are sold, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.

13. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.

14. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

15. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

16. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.